G took me to see my grandmother yesterday. She is in critical condition, is not good at all. She is not lucid, she moans and tries to talk, but much of it is not understandable. She did open her eyed for about 30 seconds the whole time we were there, which was about three hours. The doctors still don't know for sure what's wrong with her, they only have conjectures. They think that one of the blood clots may have broken up and a part of it made it to her head, too small for them to detect with the CT-Scan or MRI. She is not presenting with "classic" stroke symptoms though, all her motor skills are fine, it's just her cognisance that has been affected. And while she's "awake" she is in like a dream-like state, and has seizure-like movements constantly. It wears her out and then she'll still for a while, that's how we know she's sleeping. It is very emotionally draining to watch it. She would respond to my brother more than anyone this afternoon, but even that was minimal. My prayers are somewhat split at this juncture. One, that God would make her well, but two, that he would just end her suffering.
And now, I need to ask for your prayers for myself as well. It seems that satan has found another chink at this emotional time. Self-doubt seems to be an attack he is using on me from every possible angle. I have been up since 1:45 this morning, my mind reeling with memories from the past. Mostly of three years ago when my grandmother told some pretty terrific stories to other family members about my care of her. It was basically her word against mine, even though I had been telling them the same thing over and over for months, the chose to believe her lies about it, instead of the truth. Satan was working in their hearts then, I believe, and seems to be lurking around to see what kind of aftermath he can stir up. My cousin, who took over my grandmother's care came to the hospital while we were there, and her husband was with her. I haven't seen him in almost three years, and was very discouraged by the way he acted today. He is a very self- righteous fellow, and holds a grudge with the best of them. I've seen it before, with the ways he treats his sister-in-law, my cousin's sister. But today I felt that slight myself, and it stung. I used to look up to him a great deal, but now find that satan has hardened his heart much more than the last time we interacted. He wouldn't even acknowledge that my mom and I were in the room, and wouldn't even introduce himself to G. My cousin, her mom, my grandmother, everyone else seems to have put the past behind them- but not him, and in his subtle way, he let us know that today. That is what satan is now using against me to keep me awake, and second-guessing my past. I know I did the best I could in the circumstances back then, and that anything I did do wrong was not intentional, and the I have been forgiven by God- but I am sitting here wondering, what if... And if I have anymore nights like this one, I am going to be miserable... not only emotionally but physically as well. If only our brains had an off switch at times...
